The Devil Made Me Do It

Listen, my children, and Pat Robertson will explain it all for you.  Never mind the studies that demonstrate homosexual behavior in nearly every species on the planet.  Never mind the evidence that homosexual desire is programmed from birth.  Never mind the Kinsey scale, which dares to suggest that sexuality—like race, gender, and nearly everything else in the world—is a question of degree rather than binary opposites. 

Forget all that, ye sinners, for Reverent Pat knows the truth.  No doubt he heard it on the Batphone, from God Himself. 

Homosexuality, you see, isn’t a choice, after all—despite what the rest of the Republican party says.  And it isn’t even an illness (finally, Pat agrees with the AMA, which declared such in 1973).  No, the truth about homosexuality is that it’s “related to demonic possession.”

That’s right, the Devil himself has taken residence in your soul, my homo brethren and sistren.  I think it’s because we made the mistake of finding Linda Blair’s self-flagellation in The Exorcist to be campy.  Little did we know, as we were innocently giggling at that spinning head and the pea-soup vomit, that Beelzebub was slithering off the movie screen and into our own naïve souls. 

So tell me, Reverend:  if the Devil made me gay, then who made you a hater, a bigot, and a mean, ignorant fool?  How is it that Jesus, that friend of prostitutes and criminals whose sole commandment was “Love one another,” became for you an excuse to judge other people’s sex lives? 

You can have your twisted version of religion, Pat, if that’s what comforts you, if that’s what gives you a sense of purpose in the world.  As for me, yeah, I’ve had the Devil in me a few times.  But at least he buys me a drink first.

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Why Rick Santorum Needs to Watch Gay Porn

Rick Santorum might promote himself as a different kind of conservative, but his latest move is right out of the George W. Bush playbook. The War on Women is still in full swing, and already he’s picking another fight. His Iraq isn’t a non-threatening country, but a non-threatening industry: porn.

Of course, this is old hat for Frothy. His enemies list is full of people and institutions that do no harm to anyone—birth control, gay marriage, atheism. The irony is that this time around the disingenuousness is more transparent than usual. While women across the country are still smarting from the GOP attack on birth control—from Rush Limbaugh’s equation of the Pill with a license for prostitution, to the Commonwealth of Virginia’s attempt to rape abortion patients with vaginal probes—Santorum is trying to spin his anti-porn stance as a desire to protect women. (Cue laugh track here.)

According to his Website (yes, Dear Reader, I actually clicked my mouse to that perverse place—the things I do for you!), “Pornography is toxic to marriages and relationships. It contributes to misogyny and violence against women. It is a contributing factor to prostitution and sex trafficking.”

Well, Frothy, I have the perfect solution for you: gay porn.

Pornography, you see, O Wise One, is not inherently sexist. It’s only inherently sexual. Granted, I haven’t watched a lot of straight porn in my day, but in my experience of gay porn, there’s no victimization of anyone. A guy may get tied up now and then, or be asked to lick someone’s boot—but he’s always doing it willingly. Even if the porn represents an S/M fantasy, the M part wants to be the M, and he’s enjoying himself. What’s wrong with a little spanking now and then?

The difference, of course, is that porn—gay or straight—is largely directed toward men. It’s all pretty much a male fantasy. And if that fantasy involves the subjection of women, then I think the problem lies not with porn—which, like all art, is really just a reflection of society. The problem may lie with our social norms of heterosexuality. The problem lies with people like Rick Santorum.

In gay porn—as in most of gay life—the default is equality between the partners. While one person may play the top in this video, he’ll be the bottom in the next. And within the course of a single movie, you can rest assured that every guy will take his turn getting down on his knees.

But that’s an egalitarianism that Teabag heterosexuals can’t stomach. Does Rick Santorum really want his wife calling her share of the shots, sexual or otherwise? Despite her law degree, her main occupation seems to be popping out babies (9 and counting), so who has time?

Is equality in the bedroom just another reason for insecure heterosexual men to resent gay people? As I have often said, straight men would be just as promiscuous as gays, except for the simple fact that women say no. Maybe Frothy would be a little less uptight and a little less likely to butt into other people’s business if he saw how the other half lives.

I’d like to start a donation drive for the Santorum campaign. I’ll order him a copy of Saving Ryan’s Privates. Who wants to pitch in for Lord of the Cock Ring?