One Man’s Shortage Is Another Man’s Surplus


The legitimate theater may be horribly expensive these days, but street theater is free—and endlessly entertaining.

I was on a crowded subway car the other night, everyone pressed against one another but pretending they didn’t notice, when a loud voice gave the lie to the faux politeness. 

“There’s a shortage of pussy in this town,” the voice cried—the source invisible behind dozens of people all focusing on their cell phones.  As if wondering whether he had been heard, the man repeated himself—with a bit of clarification:  “There’s a shortage of pussy in this town,” he said, laughing, “cuz all of these guys are suckin’ dick.”

Welcome to San Francisco, where the insane often have a point.

The man really got a kick out of his own cleverness.  Enough to repeat it about 20 times between stations.  And then, when the exposition was over, he moved on to variations on a theme:  “If you want good pussy,” he said, “you go to Dallas, Texas.  Wet hot pussy that will make your dick sing!”

In Dallas, I suspected, that remark would probably have gotten him clobbered by a Good Christian Bitch.  But on a crowded San Francisco MUNI train, even the women were laughing.  I caught one woman’s eye as she struggled to hold it in.  And instantly, we both broke out in guffaws.  My eyes were watering by the time I finally got off the train.  Ironically, the crazy man got off with me—in the Castro, where the pussy shortage is particularly notable.

As we all headed in a mob for the escalator, I didn’t have the heart to tell him where his logic fell down:  if all the men in town are sucking dick, there should be a surplus of pussy.  Straight men in this town are golden.