Beauty and the Beast

Sometimes even I’m shocked by what I read about sex. I was innocently surfing the Web today when I stumbled upon an article whose title I could not ignore: “Sex with animals linked to penis cancer.”
Yes, boys (and girls), you heard it right here on sweet little msnbc.com: yet another reason to watch where you put your dick.

The article details a study conducted in rural Brazil (imagine!) in which 35% of interviewed men admitted to having sex with animals, and their rate of penile cancer was higher than the guys who didn’t admit to having sex with animals. Now, aside from the obvious question—WTF?—I also have to doubt the study’s statistics: Umm, so you actually asked these men if they’d fucked a cow, and you expected them to admit it?!

Of the many things wrong with the story, though, it’s the political correctness that stands out. The writer treads so cautiously on the subject that she (!) seems to be normalizing bestiality. In fact, she introduced me to a lovely new word, and a new abbreviation: zoophile and SWA. “Zoophile”—it sounds charming, doesn’t it? Like, a person who loves zoos? Well, no, actually, it’s a person who likes to have SWA—i.e., “sex with animals.”

That one smacks of the old stand-by MSM, a moniker I first heard in the early days of the AIDS crisis, when they needed a way to describe “Men who have Sex with Men” without offending the down-low dudes by calling them gay.

But it gets worse. Like all politically correct stories, this one doesn’t waste any time in pointing the finger at rich white guys: “Men who have sex with animals in developing countries are usually poor and illiterate, with little or no access to hygiene, health care or the Internet, Zequi said. The opposite is true in developed countries such as the U.S., where SWA seems to occur in the educated population.”

That one really set my head spinning. Until I read the explanation: “Forty-five percent of the respondents worked in informatics or technology.” Oh, now it makes sense. All that Dungeons & Dragons expertise might get you a job at Zynga, but it can’t get you a date on Saturday night.

I’m starting to think that Rick Santorum’s fears are coming true: the slippery slope has arrived. Bestiality is officially the next frontier in human sexuality.

The article concludes with a real zinger, when the author quotes a urologist from Illinois as saying, “‘From a penile cancer prevention point of view, SWA should be discouraged based on the results of this study.’ He recommended standard safety precautions with any type of high-risk sexual intercourse: Wear a condom.”

In an earlier time, the advice might be a little simpler: Don’t fuck animals.

Still, I’d rather fuck a sheep than Rick Santorum. Even though he is strangely cute, in a stormtrooper kind of way.

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